Shanti’s Dispatches

-Why do I compulsively check what time my alarm clock is set to each night? I only change it once every month or so, and I usually hit snooze anyway.

-Why is the thought of buying Christmas presents so painful to me? Maybe because I hate getting random stuff that I don’t need and that just clutters up the house. You feel bad about getting rid of it, so it just sits there, collecting dust. Until one day (usually moving day) you decide that you’ve kept it long enough and can finally get rid of the damn thing. That’s why everyone should either create an Amazon wishlist or just not mind getting a gift card.

-Speaking of presents, what’s up with people trying to pawn off their artistic friends stuff onto other people as presents? I know you just bought your friends’ crap to support their artistic lifestyle, and not because you actually truly believe 1) they have talent, or 2) anyone would want their crappy art (book, CD, photo, print, whatever). If you have a friend who is actually talented, only give their stuff to people you show it to and who express an interest.

-Honestly… No kidding. What is Ralph Maccio doing at this exact moment? I really do want to know.

-People in Los Angeles really love to ham it up when it comes to cold weather. It drops down to 65 degrees and they’ve got their scarves and sweaters on. Meanwhile I’m chillin’ like a villian in my shorts, waiting for it to drop below 60 before I begin taking it somewhat seriously.

-They shoot off fireworks here to celebrate Christmas. I’d never heard of that before. I’m sure people here are just so into celebrating the birth of little baby jesus. It has nothing to do with having a huge 2 mile long party along the beach attended by eggnog and wine drinkers from all of Manhattan / Hermos / Redondo beaches. No, nothing to do with that at all.

-If I was Jesus and somehow still new that all these idiots on earth were celebrating my birthday on the wrong day, I’d be freakin’ pissed. I’d just look down, shake my head, and think to myself “idiots… what a bunch of freaking idiots… who picked dec. 25th anyway, out of all the days of the year?”

-I was up in Beverly Hills today. I saw 2 brand new Ferraris within the span of 5 minutes. I’m pretty sure old white dudes were driving them and had young hot chicks with them. But that could just be me.

-You know what’s so bothersome about celebrities? They seem to have everything you could ever want in life on the material side of things, and they are YOUNGER THAN YOU. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone that really has their sh*t put together, and are way ahead of you in the game, but they’re your age? It makes you sick. You’re like, “dude, this guy has done all this and he’s only 18 ? I gotta stop working at the gas station and get a real job.”

-Los Angeles is awesome for many reasons, but those are all boring, so I’ll just harp on the negative. What sucks is that just to be “average” out here, you probably need to make at least $100k per year, drive a BMW (even if its an older model), and own some kind of home/property. That’s what it seems like to me, I could be wrong. Back home you could drive a Honda Civic, own a small house in the suburbs, make $52k per year, and marry your high-school sweetheart and be “average”. Okay so this is all overtly superficial and materialistic, but how else are you supposed to see how you stack up in this world? number of yoga classes attended per day?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. It’s 2003, almost 2004. Where are all the freaking flying cars? oh yeah, and hovercraft skateboards. Can someone please get a crack-a-lackin on this? Thanks!
Economist.com | Future of flight

I received an email from someone with an .mil address that read:

funny how all you hippies change your tune once a little cash is flashed

very true… very true… the only thing is I was a “hippie” (really just an ultra-liberal) and haven’t been for a while. But that was when I was 17. Then I realized I would have to get a job and support myself. and it’s pretty tough on $4.75 an hour, especially if you like nice things.

It rained again in Los Angeles. People freak out here when it rains. Including me. Because it never happens. This is the second or third time it has happened since I’ve been out here (4 months). From the news just now: “one of the firefighters called this rain ‘unprecedented’”. Jeez. Why is a firefighter commenting on the rain anyway, don’t they have other people to comment on the rain & determine whether or not it is “unprecedented”? Oh wait, I know why. Because drivers here are either 1) Stupid, or 2) Insane. Neither of which can drive in the rain. Then the firefighters have to come save them.

Note to LA drivers: yeah, news flash, that strange liquid falling from the sky is “water”, you know, two parts Hydrogen, one part Oxygen. It makes things “slippery”, i.e., remember Bon Jovi’s album, Slippery When Wet?

Back to LA drivers. I’ve now become one of them. Traffic is so bad that you need any edge you can get. If you get stuck behind the wrong person, you could be waiting at a light for an extra 5 minutes. That adds up here and there when your commute is 30+ minutes. So.. always gun it on yellows if you are the last car before the light. Chances are you’ll have three people follow you, two of them completely running the red light. Welcome to LA.

Now for a few thoughts on everyone’s favorite social software of the moment, Friendster. I had signed up a while ago but thought it was only an uber-geek thing. Then I met someone out here who was cool who actually admitted to using Friendster. The whole “dating” spin gives it a bad rap. No one wants to admit to using any kind of dating service. So I just tell people when I invite them to join, “Ignore the stupid dating crap, no one uses it for that anyway.” Which is true. It is much better for keeping track of random old friends, and “acquaintances” — you know, people who you’d probably never call but it’s still okay to email them once in a while. The perfect example is all those buddies in college you met that were friends of friends. You were never exactly their “friend” — you were just their friends’ friend. But still, on Friendster it’s probably okay to add them to your list & drop them a line every once in a while to see what they’re up to.

But anyway, here are two random thoughts on Friendster:
1. What if you’re dating someone, and you’re both on Friendster (and we’ll assume you’re connected to each other). Who is going to be the first one to put their status to “In a Relationship”. What if one person puts their status to that and the other doesn’t update it for months, even when they login every single day and update their profile for other things? Busted.

2. What happens to your Friendster profile when you die? I mean, I know nothing will happen to it, unless someone informs the “Friendster authorities”, but even still. I think if I die I’d want someone to log into my Friendster account for me and keep updating it, accept any Friend Requests, etc. Old long-lost friends could be looking for me on Friendster and not even realize I’m dead! Scary.

Speaking of Friendster, I have a new testimonial! Yay! If you want to add me, I’m 1) the only “Shanti Braford”, or 2) the email address: shantibraford (at) yahoo (dot) com will work too. Feel free to send a Friend request unless you fall into one of the following two categories: 1) you are psychopathic serial killer who stalks people met on Friendster, or 2) I have absolutely no idea who you are and I’ve never spoken/chatted/emailed you before in my life.

So, fellas, do you have the problem of going out to dinner with chicks (that make a lot less than you) and paying for most of their dinner? Sure, that’s not a problem if it’s a “date”, and you hook up later, kiss, or just really, really enjoy their company. But somehow I end up going out to dinner/lunch/whatever where it’s just a friend (but there’s always the possibility of being something more) and I feel bad because I know she’s just a teacher, administrative assistant, waitress, or something like that and here I am with a Computer Science degree and probably making a lot more then her (just a random fact of life, not like I’m bragging or anything). O’well. Ladies, if you’re in the same situation, throw a fella a bone here & there if he buys you dinner. It’ll keep the dinners flowing.

Oh yeah, and buying you drinks is no problem. Because you’ll probably end up drinking way too much and losing all your inhibitions, and a few of your items of clothing. That’s always a good thing. (disclaimer: I do not encourage such behavior but I will condone it when necessary)

What’s up with East Coast people? Why do they think they’re all that? Get over it. Really. Just about the only people who have room to talk are people born and/or raised in Manhattan. I’m not talking about you Brooklynites or Queensites. Don’t kid yourself. Being from Brooklyn or Queens isn’t anything to brag about or make you special. You gotta live in Manhattan-proper if you wanna come correct with that attitude of yours, papi.

Apparently Los Angeles does not have a “Los Angeles proper”. We’ve decided that the only people who say “Los Angeles proper” are people who are not from here and probably have no idea about the layout of the city. There really isn’t such a thing as “LA proper”, but rather just a sprawling, sprawling, sprawling (did I say sprawling yet?) mass of urban and suburban metropolis. I’ve heard it described as “one giant strip mall.” There are parts that resemble that description, and those parts make me want to vomit pepperoni pizza and ben & jerry’s chunky monkey ice cream both at the same time. (yeah, pretty bad, huh?) But there are other parts (where I actually frequent) in LA that are totally chill, laid back, and don’t resemble some ugly suburban strip mall. You might find a few pics of these decent hangouts on my moblog. Plus you can’t beat the quality of the “scenery” here, if you know what I mean. Especially that chick in front of me in Spinning class at LA Fitness in Marina del Rey today, wearing the blue tank top. If you happen to be reading this right now, drop me a line.

Some random thoughts on Los Angeles and life:

-Everyone here is a weather snob. If you are from the northeast or midwest even, and you talk to someone from Southern California, we’re really not trying to rub it in. When we say “The weather here has been sucking lately, it dropped down to 60 degrees the other night.” We really are pissed about it, even though it was probably 40 degrees wherever you are. If it ever gets overcast, we’re also pissed. Hey — this is why we pay 150% in rent compared to the rest of the country. We want it to be 80 degrees and sunny all year round.

-The chicks here are brutal. Unless you know them already or are introduced through a friend, it’s pretty darn tough to walk up to a chick and throw some game. You either have to look like Brad Pitt or drive a Ferrari. (I qualify for neither of which at the moment…working on the Ferrari part.)

-Screw Hollywood. Unless you are four+ smokin chicks who can stroll to the front of the line and get in no problem, forget about it. If you are a group of guys and are trying to get into one of these posh Hollywood clubs, good luck buddies. You’re probably screwed. Even if you get to the front of the line, if the door guy doesn’t like you, he’ll make you sit there for 45 minutes (uhhm yeah - this didn’t happen the other night at White Lotus to me). So the lesson of the story is: don’t go to Hollywood unless you are on the guest list.

-The Sushi here rules. St. Louis sushi makes me want to vomit after eating the stuff out here.

-My cousin Sayward has decided that there are two kinds of guys: either 1) They fall in love with her and call her 15 times a day. These are the guys she’ll just kind of like, but they call you so often they are annoying. or 2) They are way too cool, and superhot, and ignore her all the time. She wants these guys to call but they don’t. Do you think it’s just that whole “wanting what you can’t have” thing? Who knows.

-As a corollary (I don’t really know what that means, but it sounds cool), I have a similar theory about girls that have boyfriends. Either: 1) It’s the first thing that comes out of their mouths. “Hello, I’m Jane. Did I tell you I have a boyfriend already”. Maybe these people could work on themselves a little bit so they have something to talk about besides their boyfriend. Why don’t you just get it over with and marry the guy if he’s so freakin special. or 2) Six months after you’ve met them you find out they had a boyfriend. This is after you’ve almost hooked up several times and are flirting constantly with each other. Yeah, I can tell, you guys are in a super-committed relationship.

-People are so into their cars here. It’s pretty disgusting, actually. I hate it right now… but I’ll be loving it when I can finally afford a beemer and can look down upon the lowly ‘93 Accord drivers.

That’s all for now….