Shanti’s Dispatches

From: “Christine Kim” Add to Address Book
To: popdex2000@yahoo.com
Subject: Orlando Bloom
Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 20:02:53 -0600

HI! I’m a huge fan of Orlando Bloom but I can never make his public appearances in the USA due to not knowing about them until afterwards! If you know how I could find out about appearances, or premieres of Orlando Bloom and could tell me how then that would be awesome! Thank you sooooo much! Please reply as soon as you are able to!

christine

This is a real email that I received recently at one of my spam repository accounts. Any guesses as to whether it is legitimate (non-SPAM) or not?

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From: “Joe Bock” Add to Address Book
To: popdex2000@yahoo.com
Subject: Pole Shift
Date: Sun, 18 Jan 2004 03:07:01 -0500

My friend fell asleep so I got onto the topic of Feng Shui with his
mom. I
was told that you would have a solid answer about this question so here
it
goes.

From numerous sources, I’ve heard that there are signs the magnetic
poles
are going to shift and also that our planet is long overdue for this
action.
There are signs that the earth’s magnetic field is getting weaker and
it
seems that the weather itself is changing. I’m wondering, “how if this
pole
shift occurs sometime soon will it effect the lives of the Earth’s
inhabitants?”

Joe (17)
Ohio

We don’t get many random “commenters” in these parts. It seems a “girl” from Los Angeles questions my Law of the Universe #3947 that all girls that live in Los Angeles are either Evil or Confused. (most are just plain evil, I’m assuming). And, of course with any urban metropolis comprised of people from across the country, it doesn’t matter if they recently migrated here from another city.

I guess I should have said “single girl” in Los Angeles. If you are dating / married in LA (and a female), you are still most likely Evil and/or Confused but I wasn’t really talking about you when I wrote the original statement.

I’m issuing a challenge to LA women out there to find me a single girl in Los Angeles that is neither Evil nor Confused. I will be the sole judge. If you find me just one, the grand prize will be $100 or a date with me, whichever you prefer.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Waking up the next morning after a party and actually remembering everything. Refreshing.

You have to let it go before it comes back to you.

You wonít recognize me when this is over baby
Iím doing yoga now
Got a brand new plan
Youíre not part of it anymore
Getting all my shit in line
You canít stop me
Canít hold me down
Canít let you hold me down
Canít let you hold me down anymore
You want to join my band now
You had your time
Now its mine
I know youíre afraid that they are all
gonna laugh at you
And they probably will
But Iím not afraid anymore
These scars are too big to hide
So Iím moving on to my new gig
You can keep your problems
You can keep your shit
Itís not my issue anymore
Got a brand new plan
Brand new plan
Brand new fín plan baby
And youíre not even part of it
In the slightest

Canít let you hold me down
Not anymore

Words of wisdom to guys out there from an unnamed programming guru / relationship mentor : watch out for those 5 days a month. the rest are absolute sunshine. but you catch ‘em on those wrong 5 days, and its 5 days of hell.

You know what I’m talking about, don’t even play like you don’t.

Any friends in my life that have been following the “bizarre love octagon” situation that has been unfolding, there is finally a resolution. As the song ‘Let It Be’ by the Beatles goes, “… there will be an answer / let it be / let it be.”

You can’t win ‘em all I guess. If there are any older folks out there that have daughters in the Los Angeles area, ages 18-35 (I won’t discriminate), you better keep a short leash on them. Crazy wildman single Shant-dog is back on the scene. And he’s in freakin Los Angeles this time!

and now I leave you with the lyrics to Bloodhound Gang’s “Fire Water Burn (The Roof is)”:

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn,
Burn motherfucker burn.

Hello my name is Jimmy Pop and I’m a dumb white guy,
I’m not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high,
I don’t know mofo if y’all peeps be buggin’ give props to my ho cause she all fly,
But I can take the heat cause I’m the other white meat known as ‘Kid Funky Fried’,
Yeah I’m hung like planet Pluto hard to see with the naked eye,
But if I crashed into Uranus I would stick it where the sun don’t shine,
Cause I’m kind of like Han Solo always stroking my own wookie,
I’m the root of all that’s evil yeah but you can call me cookie,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn,
Burn motherfucker burn.

Yo yo this hard - core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice,
I’m not black like Barry White no I am white like Frank Black is,
So if man is five and the devil is six than that must make me seven,
This honkey’s gone to heaven,
But if I go to hell then I hope I burn well,
I’ll spend my days with J. F. K. , Marvin Gaye, Martha Raye, and Lawrence Welk,
And Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain and Jimi Hendrix’s poltergeist,
And Webster yeah Emmanuel Lewis cause he’s the anti - christ,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn,
Burn motherfucker burn.

Everybody here we go,
Ohh Ohh,
C’mon party people,
Ohh Ohh,
Throw your hands in the air,
Ohh Ohh,
C’mon party people,
Ohh Ohh,
Wave ‘em like you don’t care,
Ohh Ohh,
C’mon party people,
Ohh Ohh,
Everbody say ho,
Ohh Ohh,
C’mon party people,
Ohh Ohh,
Everybody here we go.

SocialGrid will fail because I don’t want my soulmate to be some geeky chick who keeps an online journal. I want her to look hot and lay by the pool with me, and maybe have a few babies someday and make sure they don’t grow up to be total losers.

(Just kidding… I think it’s a good idea for connecting peopple. The answer is always, of course, ‘only time will tell’ if something’s a good idea or not.)

Maybe not all LA girls are evil. Some could just be confused.